urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stare_atthe_sun and living at two opposite ends 2006-03-27T04:05:19Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stare_atthe_sun:60740 2006-03-27T04:05:19Z 2006-03-27T04:05:19Z incubus - aqueous transmission i am home now.<br />in my room.<br />all alone.<br /><br />and i have to say that i couldnt be happier.<br />despite my psychotic mood swings, i think everything is going to be ok.<br />i think im finally managing to get my ass out ofthis rut.<br /><br /><br />thank fucking god.<br /><br /><br /><br />it smells good in my room. fyi. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stare_atthe_sun:60241 2006-02-25T07:00:04Z 2006-02-25T07:00:04Z my baby girl comes home today!!<br />that is all. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stare_atthe_sun:60035 2006-02-21T16:30:23Z 2006-02-21T16:30:23Z slow ride im not sure why im updating. there really isnt much to talk about....lets see....<br /><br />courtneys been gone for a few days. things have been going well i guess. except i hate when i miss her calls because then i feel like something bad has happened and if i really waqnted to i could work myself up into a crazy panic attack. haha i dont know what my deal is, but lately ive been getting really paranoid and worried about everything and everyone. im just fucking weird. i never know whats going on with me. i wish it was warm out. im tired of the cold. <br /><br />speaking of warm though, the apartment building right next to charlees apartment caught fire yesterday morning. we woke with up to an apartment surrounded by smoke and the fucking fire trucks and everything out on the streets. so we went out on the back porch and fucking the building right next to us was burning like smoke and flames and everything. apparently some guy was trying to jump out of the window but they managed to make him sit tight up thery got there. it didnt look that bad from the outside but i guess a little boy died. its really sad. the neighbor mike watched them pull the kid out of the fire. apparently he was a little disturbed by the way the boy looked when they finally got him out of there. yeah so i dont know why i need to tell that story, i just find it so unbelievable. man.<br /><br /><br /><br />yeah so thats that. im bored right now. theres no one to talk to. and ive been watching family guy episodes for the last five days so...yeah. theres my awesome life.<br /><br />i have to go get tickets to a few shows. hmmmmm... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stare_atthe_sun:59755 2006-02-07T04:37:18Z 2006-02-07T04:37:18Z classical music today there was progress.<br />something awesome happened.<br />i dont really know how to explain it.<br /><br />everything just clicked in my head.<br />sometimes, i really love it when people put me in my place.<br />it makes me refocus all of my efforts and rethink everything that i do.<br /><br /><br />i sound like a fucking motivational speaker success story right now.<br />sweet. does that even work? i'm not sure. i know that i want a cigarette right now though.<br />i should avoid those.<br />they're starting to make me feel very unhealthy.<br />damn.<br /><br /><br /><br />where does the time go.<br />everything is flying by so fast.<br />i cant handle that winter is almost over.<br />weirddddddddd.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />i love youuuuuuuuuuuuu. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stare_atthe_sun:59627 2006-01-29T07:35:14Z 2006-01-29T07:35:14Z so im home alone.<br />for the first time in what seems like forever.<br />i think ive finally gotten the hang of dealing with being alone.<br />there was a period there where i couldnt even handle myself for more then a few minutes.<br />im so weird. god damn.<br /><br /><br />this song that im listening.<br />is so awesomely bad.<br />that i cant deal.<br />i should turn it off.....now.<br /><br /><br /><br />i never really have anything of any importance to say in any of these things. im just bored i suppose. my family is getting really strange. for example...my dads getting married again. which means im going to have a step-brother. and then he and his little family including my brother are moving to gray. right..? and my mom is fucking dating people. today, i had to help he put on eyeliner. so strange. then theres me. who the fuck knows whats going on there. sometimes i feel like theres my family...and then theres me. and i dont really fit in all that well but they put up with me anyway. my world seems so completely separete from them. they look at me like im insane most of the time.<br /><br /><br /><br />i say the most ridiculous things online.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />i miss some people. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stare_atthe_sun:59280 2006-01-26T21:41:00Z 2006-01-26T21:43:10Z what now so theres this book.<br />a million little pieces.<br />i read it. i loved it.<br />apparently, the guy that wrote it, lied about a lot of things that he wrote about. its pretty depressing. i feel as though the affect that the book was supposed to have is now lost because its not a true story anymore. and it seems like any other story that anyone else has ever made up.<br />oh well. i dont know why im bothering to write this down. its not a crazy outrage. just strange.<br />some people piss me off. and i wish they would go away.<br />i dont need the way i feel to be explained away for me.<br />i can answer for myself. i dont need other people to take care of things for me.<br />i wish someone would ask me sometime how i felt about them.<br />why do they have to go through everyone else.<br />shit just gets fucked up all of the fucking time.<br />ehhh.....<br /><br /><br />i think i need to spend some time alone soon.<br />im going to end up freaking out on other people for no good reason.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />go away. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stare_atthe_sun:59069 2006-01-17T01:25:33Z 2006-01-17T01:25:33Z the shins - weird divide livejournal is so strange. i feel like whatever i write down is just floating around somewhere waiting for someone to look at it. and i wonder what it is that makes people eithercome looking for me, or what makes them stay to read it should they chose to do so. yeah.<br /><br />i just read the most pissed off entry of all time. and i have to say, i feel for that person. i feel as though i can relate. im going to refrain from names however.<br /><br /><br />i also just read a sad entry. and it makes me sad as well.<br />sitting here alone makes me sad.<br />but i need some time alone.<br />im going to freak out.<br /><br />i got in the biggest fight with courtney today. i wanted to fucking punch her in the face. i feel like i have a lot of misplaced rage. its too bad really. because i dont mean to take it out on her. we both act like little kids sometimes.<br /><br />i love her . i really do.<br /><br /><br />&lt;3<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />stay where you are.<br />things are good like this. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stare_atthe_sun:58843 2006-01-09T19:24:43Z 2006-01-09T19:24:43Z nothing is ok in my head anymore. im so afraid of everything. im so paranoid that im going to end up alone and its all going to be because i push everyone away. im depressed. im so hopelessly sad sometimes i cant even deal with it. it seems so ridiculous but theres absolutely nothing that i can do to get rid of it, it just sort of melts away as do most things that i feel. i dont understand, why its ok for other people to be sad and to take a moment just to sit on their sadness but its not ok for me. im so sick of being told that i just have to fix it and that everything i all up to me. im not fucking retarded. but if someone could please explain that reasoning to me.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />courtney wants to know whats wrong. i cant tell her anymore. i tell her everyday. she doesnt want to know anymore. she doesnt need to know. i wish i could talk. i wish i could vocalize all of these things but i cant. i feel trapped in my head. i sound so melo-dramatic. apparently i cant write anything i feel either.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />i hate the one thing i need urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stare_atthe_sun:58462 2005-12-25T05:55:56Z 2005-12-25T05:55:56Z panic! so..its offcially christmas day, and i have come to a few conclusions.<br /><br />first off, i dont think i will be sleeping tonight. ive worked myself up into an anxious mess about something that i will not be writing down because i feel like a ridiculous ass for thinking it.<br /><br />secondly, i let a lot of things slide that i shouldnt. and i get worked up about the little things that most people would agree are insignifigant. i feel like im all backwards in the way that i think and its causing me some trouble. take right now for example, im upset. im so upset. i dont know why, i think its because im worrying about you right now and i dont need to be. this is going to be the end of me someday.<br /><br /><br /><br />im terrified that this is all going to come crashing down around me. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stare_atthe_sun:58236 2005-12-24T07:10:59Z 2005-12-24T07:10:59Z sometimes, i just like to be pissed off.<br />and sometimes i like to be sad.<br /><br /><br /><br />im so paranoid. i cant deal with it.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />i feel as though i would be better off alone. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stare_atthe_sun:57991 2005-12-20T08:46:42Z 2005-12-20T08:46:42Z jen and i just went on the most excellent adventure ever at 3:44 in the morning. it all started at the hookah bar, then it continued past video expo into a restaurant, and then to freeport where we had to avoid the mess that is the freeport public works crew in order to get to ll bean. and then at last, we made it to the desert of maine. all in all, it was a pretty sweet night.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />finding dead bodies. <br />its what we do. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stare_atthe_sun:57755 2005-12-19T05:26:52Z 2005-12-19T05:26:52Z motion city soundtrack oh man. christmas is in one week. what am i going to do with myself. <br />i need to go shopping. which i will do after work on tuesday, so that should take care of itself.<br /><br />also, i need to remember that im supposed to have lunch with jules and sydney that day. see, they just called me all a mess and decided that that is what we will be doing. i feel as though, do to the state they were in, that they might not remember it so well, but thats cool haha.<br /><br /><br />anyway, i just read the cutest thing ever.<br /><br />Leo says aloha as well. yea....haha.<br /><br /><br /><br />i think tomorrow im going to go visit courtney at work. perhaps.<br />shes working a double for me tomorrow. thank god. i love her.<br />i hope its not too cold outside, otherwise that might suck balls.<br />literally.<br /><br /><br /><br />this update. almost pointless. but not so much?<br />i dont know. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stare_atthe_sun:57512 2005-12-17T05:10:55Z 2005-12-17T05:12:13Z shits getting frustrating these days. i keep telling myself its really only a matter of time which is true, but i find it awfully hard to believe it. time moves so slow sometimes. but on the other hand it goes by entirely too fast and before i know it ive missed a week of my life and i have nothing to show for it. i guess im alright though. nothing tragic. never was really, probably never will be. unless i let it all get to me which i am in danger of doing i suppose. <br /><br /><br />christmas is mad. its never what i think its going to be. for some reason i keep expecting this time of year to magically change everyone into decent caring people. i dont know why. winter drives the majority of people i know insane and generally puts them in a bad mood. i smell like smoke.<br /><br />=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*<br /><br />all of these things that i write down wont do me any good. nor will it do anyone whos reading this any good. unless you enjoy reading the mindless droning of a pathetic teenage girl. oh man that was angsty. i dont think that no one cares. not at all. in fact i believe that people care, but only as long as you give them a reason to care. call me crazy, but i think i find that pretty comforting. <br /><br /><br /><br />oh another note: the power went out today, so i lit some candles and played some sweet games with this girl i know. yeah. i dont think ive so completely enjoyed myself in a long time. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stare_atthe_sun:57331 2005-12-16T05:07:47Z 2005-12-16T05:08:04Z ehh i feel like a bitch.<br />i knew it. i picked up on it.<br />i didnt mean it.<br /><br />i dont know why im acting like this is a traumatic event.<br />it just upsets me when youre upset. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stare_atthe_sun:56985 2005-12-12T08:16:59Z 2005-12-12T08:16:59Z you what i do miss about the old me.<br />i miss being my usual pissed off fucking angry self.<br />what i miss even more is that i could hide anything from anybody and no one would even have a clue.<br /><br />what the fuck happened.<br /><br />nothing has made me miss everything so much.<br />fuck fuck fuck. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stare_atthe_sun:56748 2005-12-12T07:28:34Z 2005-12-12T07:29:53Z park police - down with control nothing makes any situation seem worse than it is quite like a cold quiet room. i find that i often subject myself to hours of sitting in such a place, wondering about everything that could have been and why i refuse to allow myself to be the person that i have always planned on being. but i guess plans change. and you dont always turn out the way you think you will. if someone had told me that this is what my life would be like a year ago, i never would have believed them. on the other hand i wish that somebody would have been able to tell me that i would feel like this. most of the time unhappy and alone. i dont care if i sound like an ungrateful bitch anymore. if i love you, and if i appreciate you, and if i sincerely enjoy having you as part of my life, you know it. <b>exception</b><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />i love that i dont have the nerve to write or say anything that im actually thinking. so for now i'll just have to settle with empty space. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stare_atthe_sun:56574 2005-12-11T07:46:56Z 2005-12-11T07:46:56Z lately things havent been so upsetting. either that or im just learning to deal with everything in such a way that i dont see every little set back or problem as the end of the world.<br /><br />i owe some people for talking some sense into me. i know i dont listen all the time. most of the time its because i dont want to. i think its because i dont like feeling like im being talked down to. but i believe thats all in my head. i need to learn to stop projecting my own thoughts onto other people. that gets me nowhere.<br /><br /><br />im frozen right now.<br />its kind of a pain in the ass.<br />i wonder if its even worth getting dressed to go outside.<br />im cold either way and just as miserable because of it.<br /><br />fuck you winter. i hate this season.<br />but sledding is always fun.<br />wee. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stare_atthe_sun:56164 2005-12-09T10:18:20Z 2005-12-09T10:20:42Z pink bullets - the shins shit.<br />i just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to write an email to someone, that probably couldn't give a shit about what i think. but i wanted to do it anyway. turns out i couldn't write a decent letter if i wanted to so i just gave up. i don't see the point in it anyway. i feel like everything i do causes drama.<br /><br />everthing that i complain about, or write about in this stupid fucking livejournal is so trivial. i mean honestly, things that i consider "problems" are nothing to get to excited about. im just pathetic and im looking for excuses where i can't find them and frustrating myself.<br /><br />maybe its because its 5am and i havent even tried to go to sleep yet. i dont see the point in that either. sleeping scares me. im afraid to go near my bed or lay down in it. this room is depressing and empty. especially now. the only noise ive heard for the last five hours has been the clicking of the keyboard and a beat.<br /><br />i dont know what im trying to say here. maybe nothing in my life is as important as i think it is. maybe im still waiting for that one thing that makes it all worth while. i thought that i had already found it.<br /><br /><br />make yourself something worth having.<br />maybe then it'll be worth the fight. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stare_atthe_sun:55886 2005-12-09T05:57:18Z 2005-12-09T05:57:18Z upsetting, <br /><br />but at the same time<br /><br />strangely calming. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stare_atthe_sun:55802 2005-12-07T06:58:31Z 2005-12-07T06:59:07Z receiving end of sirens - planning a prison break i just ate at dennys with christie. it was sweet. we always get the awesome waiter. crazy. i like talking to christie, i do believe she is one of the more intelligent people that i know. never mind the fact that shes a silly ho' most of the time. that was sarcasm to the max. except not. except...yes. oh no....its perplexing really.<br /><br /><br /><br />***********************************************************<br />*****************************************************<br />************************************************<br />*******************************************<br />**************************************<br />*********************************<br />****************************<br />************************<br />********************<br />****************<br />************<br />********<br />*****<br />***<br />**<br />*<br /><br />peace urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stare_atthe_sun:55253 2005-12-02T06:20:27Z 2005-12-02T06:20:46Z emery - walls my stomach literally hates me.<br />it refuses to take kindly to anything i eat anymore. fucking hell this is frustrating.<br /><br />so the other night, i had a super intense high moment. during which i had a beautiful revelation as to why and how i deal with myself when it concerns certain people. but right now, i cant remember. and it upsets me because it made my life seem so simple and lot easier to deal with. but its cool i guess. it probably was just some crazy thing that a high person thought was genious. ehhh...<br /><br />crazy.<br />bitch.<br /><br /><br /><br />sarah arnold wrote some pretty sweet things on my desk. <br />my favorite part in the piece written underneath my keyboard though.<br />it guess its supposed to be sad...but by the end it makes me happy.<br />more so than anyone else would ever guess.<br /><br /><br /><br />i think im done being insane now. i think i want to go back to the way i used to think about certain things. i want to go back to having the work ethic and the mind to make myself do all of those shitty things. i lost that somewhere during my senior year which sucks. im just sick of being sad all the time. its getting a little pathetic and its dragging down everybody around me. or at least i feel like it is.<br />i think im just afraid that when im happy people will forget about me. maybe i just want someone to feel bad for me. maybe i just trapped you into thinking that you need to be here for me. i dont know why i would do that. im paranoid. i was fine before and i will be fine after. its just the getting there that scares me. i dont want there to be an after but obviously some day there will be. oh well, why am i thinking such crazy bullshit right now. theres no time. i need to go to bed. i have to get up for work in five hours.<br /><br /><br /><br /><i>im where you want to be</i> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stare_atthe_sun:55039 2005-11-29T05:07:55Z 2005-11-29T05:07:55Z death cab im getting sick of my music.<br />someone should give me something else to listen to.<br /><br /><br />things are strange right now.<br />these past couple days ive been in a constant state of confusion.<br />its frustrating but that the same time comforting.<br />it makes me feel like im separate from everything else.<br />yeah.<br />good story.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />i know where it goes.<br />im going to keep it lost in my closet.<br />just like everything else. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stare_atthe_sun:54769 2005-11-28T19:10:10Z 2005-11-28T19:10:10Z SAY YES urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stare_atthe_sun:54417 2005-11-14T17:47:15Z 2005-11-14T17:47:15Z the night will go as follows - spill canvas nothing is exciting anymore. i feel like its the same shit every fucking day over and over again. i feel stuck and i know that thats mostly my fault but i still cant deal with it. i woke up this morning and realized that theres nothing to look fowrard to anymore. when youre in school you look forward to the end of the day or even the week, just for classes to be over. but now theres nothing like that. i wake up i got to work i worry about what im gonna do after work and if im gonna be able to deal with myself when i get home, and then eventually i fall asleep and everything starts over again. i find it pathetic and i seriously wonder what the point of it all is. actually, what confuses me more, is why i get all psyched up for every day like something new is going to happen. i dont understand why i worry about anything if i know its going to be just like anyo ther day and nothing special. i dont know, this isnt to say that i dont enjoy hanging out with my friends or doing what i do with them, i just feel like im going nowhere. and i suppose thats true. i just need to get my ass in gear and then everything will be ok. i think. i hope. god damn im depressing. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:stare_atthe_sun:54098 2005-11-12T23:18:20Z 2005-11-12T23:18:20Z mm what have i been up to?<br />nothing.<br /><br />i chose a rather unattractive color to dye my hair the other day. its pretty sweet. it makes me laugh. its actually not that bad, i sorta like it, it just has its "hey i look like trash" moments, and i could really do without those. i'll have to do something about that soon.<br /><br /><br />my room is trashed. god damn. i dont feel like cleaning it at all. so for now i think im just going to be sitting in this sea of dirty clothes. sweeeet.<br /><br /><br />sarah arnold is here!!!!<br />she just walked though the door.<br />this is creepy.<br />she doesnt know im typing this.<br /><br />ahhhhhhh.